Speaking of comedy ruining perfectly good music. I can no longer listen to The Doors without seeing Bruce McCulloch demand that I steal a car........
The Doors
Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: sheridan01@hotmail.com
Cast-
Bruce- Record Store Clerk
Kevin- Customer
Vito Viscomi- Second Customer
[THE SCENE: An old record store somewhere, presumably Los Angeles. There is a couple looking at records and a Bruce is talking to them.]
Bruce: Yeah...those are all hacked...[shrugs and gestures to couple] Take care.

[The Couple leaves and a Kevin enters the store and begins looking around the record bin.]

Kevin: 'Scuse me.

Bruce: Yeah?

Kevin: Do you have the new Depeche Mode record?

Bruce: Yeah it's over there, [motions to the record bin] but it sucks.

[He continues to work on paperwork.]

Kevin: Well, do you have the latest Pixies album?

Bruce: Yeah, but it sucks. All that new stuff sucks, but it's over there.

Kevin: You know, actually I was thinking of getting into something vintage. Anyway...I don't know, maybe The Doors?

[Bruce spins around and looks at Kevin.]

Bruce: Really! Never had you figured for a Doors fan.

Kevin: I'm not really a Doors fan, but sure I'd like to get into them...

Bruce: No no no my friend! Doors fans aren't made, they're born. I think right now in Africa there's some guy madly beating on a drum. He's a Doors fan. Or an old lady sitting on the bus sucking humbugs. She's a Rider On The Storm, but she ain't never heard the sounds.

[Bruce looks at Kevin and snaps his fingers.]

Bruce: So what about you?

Kevin: Well I heard a record of theirs last night at a party...

Bruce: Yeah?

Kevin: ...and I've always liked Love Her Madly.

Bruce: Well, if you become a Doors fan, Love Her Madly is the only song you won't like.

Kevin: Oh right! [Looking through the record bin eagerly] I guess I should start with the Greatest Hits?!

Bruce: Hey! Greatest Hits are for housewives and little girls!

[He takes the record away from the Kevin and throws it across the store, and starts pushing the Kevin out of the store.]

Bruce: You're not serious! You don't want to be a Doors fan! Get out of my store! We're closed, get out!

[Bruce walks back toward the counter, clearly offended.]

Kevin: No no no no! I want you to show me the way!

Bruce: turns and looks at Kevin with disgust.

Bruce: Was that a Frampton reference in my store?!

[Kevin thinks for a second as a look of terror crosses his face.]

Kevin: No no no no! No lyrics, just words, just words...words?

Bruce: All right if you want to be a Doors fan, you cant just buy any album. It's scientific.

[Bruce goes to the record bin and picks out an album.]

Bruce: You gotta buy this...Waiting For The Sun. It's the departure point.

[Bruce kisses the album tenderly and glances at the credits on the back.]

Bruce: Listen to it around dusk every night for about a month.

[He hands the album to Kevin.]

Kevin: Sounds good! Then what...?

Bruce: Who's playing bass?

[Kevin looks frantically at the back of the record.]

Kevin: Umm duuuu baaaa.... No one?!

Bruce: No bass!

Kevin: No bass?!

Bruce: That's right! The gypsies had no homes, The Doors had no bass. But don't let that scare you, my friend let that liberate you! 'Cause when you're free flying with the Doors, man - what do you need a safety net for?

Kevin: [shouting] Viva Le Doors!

Bruce: Viva Le Doors. But listen, there's a burden that every real Doors fan has got to live with. That's the fact that the greatest rock n' roll band of all time is never going to play live again. You can't live in the past...

Kevin: No wait...there's hope. I heard once that Iggy Pop is going to front them and the Doors are going to tour again!

Bruce: Where did ya hear that?

Kevin: I heard it somewhere...

Bruce: Yeah?!? Read it in your precious Creem Magazine maybe? Well, it's not going to happen.

Kevin: Well how do you know that?

Bruce: Because somebody told me.

Kevin: Well, who told you?

Bruce: Do you wanna know who told me?

Kevin: Well, yeah...

Bruce: Jim Fuckin' Morrisson told me, that's who!!

[Vito runs into the store.]

Vito: Hey! Do you have the new Depeche Mode album?

[Kevin points at Vito and screams...]

Kevin: SUUUUCCKKSS!

[Vito runs out of the store.]

Bruce: I forgive you. Here. [Hands Kevin a copy of Morrisson Hotel] Take this, it's an 8-track tape. It's one of the last in existence. I want you to steal a car...

Kevin: I have a car...

Bruce: Steal a car!

Kevin: Steal a car!!

Bruce: I want you to get in it and drive West. Play the tape full blast. When the tape ends, get out and get into a fight, then get back into the car, come to town and meet me at the Carcas Club.

Kevin: What will you do?

Bruce: I will let you in to the most prestigious hotel of all time...

Kevin: Which is?

Bruce: [rolling his eyes] Mor'son Hotel!

Kevin: Then what?

Bruce: Then, you're gonna be a Doors fan, man.

[A door opens to a bright new future, which the soon to be Doors fan walks through, with his spirit guide, the Bruce.]



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Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video