"Where else would you go when you have an ax to grind?"

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Peace on Earth and goodwill toward men, except for you bastards in the back, you're lucky to be getting coal in your stocking

This being the season of brotherly love and peace on earth and all that, let me say to the Santa cynics and soldiers in the Christmas War out there, with all due respect, shut your festering fruitcakeholes!

First, lets get one thing straight -- There is no war on Christmas. No one cares if you want to to go to mass, put up a nativity scene or put little crucified Jesuses (Jesui?) on your tree, but the government can't play favorites when it comes to religious images. Christmas is not just a religious holiday and hasn't been since before Bing Crosby and Jimmy Stewart started making 'holiday movies'. If you think there needs to be a war to save Christmas, you are dumber than Jonn Gibson and Bill O'Rielly in a bag of hammers. To steal a line from John Lennon, fighting for Christmas is like fucking for virginity. Stop spoiling the holidays by inventing something for people to get pissed off about or you are getting coal in your stocking.

Second, there is too a Santa Claus, (the Marx Brothers bit notwithstanding). Don't give me any of your pet theories about how he was created by Coca-Cola or any of that malarky. If Santa didn't exist, it would be necessary to invent him.

Santa exists.

He exists in all those people who give anonymous gifts to the food bank, in all those who put a up a tree and lights and try to make the world a little brighter, even if only for a few days. He exists in those people making the effort to bake treats for the potluck office party instead of picking up a box of timbits, in those people stand on the corner ringing bells in subzero weather to raise money to help people in need, and, indeed Virginia (and the rest of you doubters, in the hearts of little children everywhere.

As one of the blogosphere's most ambivilent agnostic fake clergymen, I'm not big on the notion of there being an all-powerful sky wizard or even a not-so-intelligent designer cum watchmaker in the clouds. I'm okay with the whole Jesus thing - he had some good words to say - I'm just not too keen on a lot of the shit done in his name. Christmas would be one major exception to that.

Christmas deserves to be celebrated just as much as Martin Luther King Day and even from a strictly secular point of view is unquestionably an Objectively Good Thing(TM - pat. pending). How can setting aside a day or a few days to spend with family, give gifts and be nice to each other be a bad thing? What's so funny about peace on earth and goodwill to men. Santa is a big part of that, as he is the embodiment of the secular side of Christmas.

I live in a non-Christian country that loves the secular side of Christmas. Most of the 30 or so kids and a least half the adults at the community Christmas party I attended wouldn't know who Jesus was if he walked across Tokyo Bay and started pushing loaves and fishes on them, but you can bet they knew who Santa was when he arrived.

If you have any doubt that unconditional love exists or that Santa lives in the hearts of small children, get yourself a red suit and cheesy fake beard and go hand out candy canes at a kindergarten some time. It is the most fun you can have doing anything and the most satisfying exeperiece you'll ever have with your clothes on.

Santa is the best and most successful international conspiracy ever, with millions of willing co-conspirators. Resistance is futile, even Scrooge got Santified. Leave the shortbreads and milk/beer/single malt scotch out near the tree on Christmas Eve, or suffer the consequences!

And these evil shits who sent hateful letters to innocent kids? They are going on the naughty list. If I had my way they'd be worked over with a stocking full of coal and tied to four reindeer heading for four different points on the compass. But Christmas is the season of forgiveness, so I guess I'd settle for JJ's suggestion of a peppering with high velocity dogshit.

I am Spartacus Santa Claus!

5 comments:

David said...

There are rants, and then there are rants, written by passionate men wielding large hammers. This is the latter.

the rev. said...

Indeed, beware the Santa-conspiracist's mighty hammer of justice (especially after a few morning beers)
As Pete Seeger and Lee Hays wrote:
"If I had a hammer
I'd go upside the heads
of all the morons
all over this land"

the namby-pamby pantywaists at the record company made them change it, at least that's what I heard.

David said...

I shall change my songbook accordingly. And gleefully.

My wife loves the Santa conspiracy and is committed to working towards it (she is one of those people who thinks about others). And unlike Jesus, you can actually visit Santa in a mall. Which is convenient.

Chimera said...

Excellent post, Rev. Wonderfully passionate.

"Fighting for Christmas is like fucking for virginity."

Lennon actually said that? No wonder he's one of my favorite philosophers! And he also said (if I remember corectly):

"What if they gave a war and nobody came?"

Those who are ready to fight a "war on Christmas" are finding that they've prepared for...nothing. Nobody's engaging them in battle. Nobody's interested. They're being ignored, and they don't like it.

Most of their crap is simply a teapot in search of a tempest.

the rev. said...

What Lennon actually said was "Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity"