the woodshed

"Where else would you go when you have an ax to grind?"

Monday, April 11, 2022

Toronto, city of dicks

Is it the whole city or is it just the super petty Toronto Maple Leafs organization?

Friday, March 25, 2022

"It's like The Fugitive meets Dumb and Dumber with a bit of Triumph of the Will thrown in for good measure"

Has anyone thrown a net over racist neo-nazi knucklehead Kevin J. Johnston and dragged his sorry ass back to Ontario to start serving his 18 month sentence or are the authorities just hoping he will turn himself in after waiting six months? Have there been any recent sightings? He's been out of jail in Calgary for a couple of weeks now, surely he must have re-offended or broken parole already. Can Ontario Attorney General Doug Downey not have Johnston extradited from Alberta? It isn't as if he's fled to the jungles of Paraguay or something. Or is Downey worried about riling up Johnston's pals before the Ontario Election?

Thursday, March 10, 2022

The Partisan - Leonard Cohen

Here is a little something for those fighting in the international brigades in Ukraine

Tuesday, March 08, 2022

You couldn't make this up and get away with it

I'm sure I mentioned this back in October on Twitter (back before I got booted off Twitter) but imagine the outcry if this happened almost anywhere but Saskatchewan.

Wednesday, March 02, 2022

'We have met the enemy and it is us'

Funny thing about how long it took the police to take action to clear the various truck protests. I wonder what took them so long....

Thursday, February 24, 2022

"why is the country SO divided?"

It isn't. The problem with with most of the media is their insistence on treating both sides of any conflict as holding equally valid opinions and acting as though each side balances out the other, that both sides have roughly equal support among the public and every story is about a two-horse race. 

Which, speaking as someone who has worked in the mainstream - even conservative - media for about 30 years now, is horseshit. Hear me fellow scribes, you do not owe the Nazis equal time -- that just gives them validation that they do not deserve. The idiotic freedumb clownvoys that have plagued Canada in the last month are a classic example. These dumbasses do not represent a significant portion of the public. Something like 90 per cent of Canadians are vaccinated, that argument was settled months ago. These knuckleheads, like the Trump coup idiots, have just been lied to and catered to  and told what wonderful handsome stud heroes they are by people intent on picking their pockets for so long that they have come to believe their shit doesn't stink and that they all have twelve-inch dicks and a constitutional right to be listened to and attention must be paid!

Back on planet Earth, however, every single poll comes back saying these dipshits are a tiny minority - at best ten per cent of the population. The problem is that they all vote for the same political party and are what you call motivated voters - they will show up to vote come hell or high water. So the conservative politicians feel a need to cater to them and encourage them to think they are not a tiny minority but brave rebels and patriots - see early description of people getting their pockets picked.

To sum up, I guess my point is when you hear a politician talk about how "terribly divided" the country is over these truck-nut protests, keep one hand on your wallet and don't believe a word of what they say. The country is not divided. We are very much united in believing in vaccines and public health measure and the tiny minority of malcontents, bigots, fabulists and anti-government freaks that get on TV because they are screaming from the rooftops that Justin Trudeau is either Fidel Castro's son or a transdimensional space lizard who want to turn your pets gay, can go pound sand.

Thursday, February 17, 2022

Karma is polishing up the hammer of righteous retribution

"King says he has consulted lawyers who will be helping Barber. He adds that he's advising protesters who are arrested to write the Latin phrase "non assumpsit" on the paperwork, a legal term denying making a promise."


yeah, that would be this Pat King. Good luck with scribbling Latin slogans on your legal paperwork, that 'sovereign citizen" shit ain't gonna fly. 

I'm looking forward to the weeping and wailing and gnashing of wingnut teeth this week as all these bozos in Ottawa get their commercial licenses suspended and their insurance lifted. There is a transport company here in Guelph that is probably going to go out of business by the end of the month because the owner has most of his fleet in Ottawa. 

Did they really think they could roll into the capital and try to overthrow the government and there would be absolutely no consequences?



"I'm sorry Lord Black, but your debit card has been declined"

I would suggest investing in popcorn futures right away, because things are going to get entertaining next week as the federal governments start freezing the bank accounts of people who have donated non-trivial amounts of money to the convoy terrorists. Especially when it turns out to be half of the Ontario cabinet and most of the senior people at the National Post, Globe and Mail and Toronto Sun. 

Wednesday, February 16, 2022

OMG, quick - call the paramedics, get me a specialist in forearm neurology! Fetch me my fainting couch!

Does anyone remember walking through the snow to school or having to use an outhouse in winter? Nevermind our not-so-distant ancestors having to survive without telephones or electricity and having to kill their own food. Sure that must have been hard, but they never had to deal with this kind of hardship.

The horror!


If you aren't worried, you aren't paying attention

Once again, the Windsor Star's Anne Jarvis hits the nail squarely on the head. One wonders how many death threats and harassing emails this column will earn her from the local conservative cement-heads. Certainly the comments are full of dumbfuckery about "freedumb" and how wearing a mask is "tyranny."

Tuesday, February 15, 2022

it's grifters all the way down

My job does not always bring me joy, but this week while editing travel pages I ran across this phrase that made me laugh out loud: "Awakening from the MÅ«hala Sound Journey, led by ancestral intuitive energy realignment practitioner..."

I've left out the name in the interests of professional courtesy, but that is the fanciest phrasing of "indigenous person fleeces dumb white people" I've seen in long time. And good for them! Obiviously somebody was going to shear that sheep. Better it is an "ancestral intuitive energy realignment practioner" than the Republican Party.

Dear Americans

Could you please tell your Republican fellow countrymen to stop sending money to the terrorists occupying the Canadian capital? The government is just going to seize that money anyway, but it would be nice if you guys could stick to trying to overthrow governments south of the border.
We Canadians are nice and polite up to a point, but if you've ever watched a professional hockey game, you know we are completely willing to pull your sweater up over your head and punch you until teeth rain down on the ice like somebody ripped open a pack of chicklets. Don't make us come down there again and remind you why the White House had to be whitewashed.

Peaceful protest my ass

just a bunch of regular canucks exercizing the right to free speech, eh. Bullshit. This is not the gear you bring to a "peaceful" protest. Throw the largest possible book at these gobshites. Five or ten years in Stoney Mountain Pen might smarten them up, but I doubt it. At least it would keep them off the streets.

But, let's not forget that the only declared candidate for the leadership of the Conservative Party of Canada, Pierre "Weasleface" Poilievre is "proud of the truckers" I look forward to his political opponents in the Ottawa-area riding of Carleton putting that quote on every billboard they can, superimposed over a photo of one of the truck-nutz taking a dump on someone's porch.

Thursday, February 10, 2022

Stop coddling the maskless morons

Maybe American conservatives should spend some money on their country's educational system instead of sending it to Canadian grifters and idiots. Especially since most of that money is going to be seized to pay the extra policing costs.

Meanwhile, the truck nuts  blocking the bridge in Windsor and the other local covidiots that support them continue to show just how classy they are by sending death threats to local columnists. 

Now, the slack-jawed morons are heading to the Peace Bridge, which connects Fort Erie, Ontario, to Buffalo, New York. And the police are going to let them because they don't want any violence. Tell that to Dudley George or any of the people pepper sprayed and arrested for blocking pipelines on their own land in British Columbia. Tell that to all the people - many of whom were not protestors but simply trying to get to their homes - who got kettled, beaten, peppersprayed and held without charge for a few days during the G20 summit in Toronto a few years back.

And ponies, they all want ponies.

I think Mayor Dilkens' statement should be put to the test. C'mon truck nuts, prove you are willing to die for your cause. Take some of that diesel, pour it over your head and set fire to yourself in the middle of the Ambassador Bridge, that would sure teach Justin Trudeau a lesson, right? 
I can promise you that isn't going to happen. If the Windsor Police SWAT team and OPP riot squad showed up at the Ambassador Bridge and fired one salvo of pepper balls or really let loose and put a few AR-15 rounds into the engine block of a protestor's Ram Charger, the protestors would be gone in the time it would take to find clean pants and find their keys.
Alternatively, the police could just spray the protestors and their vehicles with paintball guns and then arrest every single person with paint on them that comes off the bridge to buy fuel or a sandwich or take a dump on someone's front lawn.

Wednesday, February 09, 2022

Who says there's never any good news in the newspaper?

I'm sure you will be shocked, just shocked, to learn that Toronto mayoral candidate, right-wing grifter and neo-Nazi pin-up girl Faith Goldy might have played very fast and loose with the election finance laws. And the best part? There is every chance she might do a little time in the crowbar motel for it.

Monday, February 07, 2022

You're welcome: The Last Polka - The Full Movie

so good I posted it twice! or maybe three times

Why this stupid country works

I had a bit of a Corner Gas moment today. I was delivering a bottle of wine to my neighbour as a thank you for him using his snowblower to clear our driveway, twice, during the recent snowstorm that dropped about six inches on us last week. I pretty much had to force my neighbour Doug, who is at least 20 years older than me, to accept the bottle of wine. 

"I was just being neighbourly, eh" said the reason our country works.
His wife threw in the obligatory " oh, he just has a new toy he loves to show off" that comes with every snowblower sold in Canada, and I giggled like a schoolgirl all the way home. 

we may be OK, folks. We just need a few more Dougs.

Whole 'nother Story - February

As the expression goes, I feel seen.

Should the Conservative Party of Canada shoot itself in the foot or the head?

Special thanks to my esteemed colleagues at the National Post for the funniest thing I've read all week. I imagine the Liberal Party's campaign team is enjoying the their version of a post-coitus cigarette at the prospect of running against the human equivalent of that yappy chihuahua that barks anytime cats come on the TV screen and pisses on the floor if you turn the volume up past about three. Pierre  "Skippy" Poilievre has all the dignity, gravitas and charisma of the chihuahua your mailman has to kick aside daily because it won't stop barking and trying to nip his ankles. Justin Trudeau's kids could beat him up and take his lunch money. The only logical explanation for this is that someone in the CPC brain trust looked at a TV and realized that The Big Bang Theory was a popular program and therefore, people would vote for a Sheldon Cooper imitator - even if he wan't a genius and good at heart in the end.

(actual photo of Pierre Poilievere watching children die from Covid-19)

As much as I would love to see Skippy behind the wheel of the CPC, my real wish (unlike Pierre, whose one true wish is to someday become a real boy) is that Michelle Rempel ( R-Calgary-Tulsa) takes over as leader of the CPC. Sure, she is essential a box of Merlot with a blonde wig on top, but just think of the entertainment value. She is pretty much Cecily Strong's impression of Judge Janine Piro with an occasional "eh" thrown in.

Thursday, February 03, 2022

Where can I buy a "just watch me" T-shirt?

Trudeau: Yeah, well there's a lot of bleeding hearts around who just don't like to see people with helmets and guns. All I can say is, go on and bleed, but it's more important to keep law and order in this society than to be worried about weak-kneed people who don't like the looks of a soldier's helmet.

Ralfe: At any cost? How far would you go with that? How far would you extend that?

Trudeau: Well, just watch me.

Ralfe: At reducing civil liberties? To that extent?

Trudeau: To what extent?

Ralfe: Well, if you extend this and you say, ok, you're going to do anything to protect them, does this include wire-tapping, reducing other civil liberties in some way?

Trudeau: Yes, I think the society must take every means at its disposal to defend itself against the emergence of a parallel power which defies the elected power in this country and I think that goes to any distance. So long as there is a power in here which is challenging the elected representative of the people I think that power must be stopped and I think it's only, I repeat, weak-kneed bleeding hearts who are afraid to take these measures.

Mr. Climenhaga is correct, as usual.


It has been suggested by no less than Ottawa's chief of police that he may need the assistance of the military to send the protestors packing, which is a bit rich since most reports seem to indicate the Ottawa cops haven't done anything except help truckers back their rigs into parking spaces since this whole thing started.
I'm all for calling out the Royal Canadian Regiment from Petawawa and having them practice a little counter-insurgency, preferably with extreme predjudice and live ammo. I'm sure the far right would love to have their pawns turned into martyr that they can fundraise off forever, but I promise you that if the army is called out, we will not have this problem again for a long time. Quebec's separatist movement may have survived the War Measures Act, but the FLQ definitely did not. 

Getting rid of a foreign-funded terrorist group occupying the national capital is exactly what the military is for. Are we going to wait for these dingalings to start kidnapping cabinet ministers?

That said, there is a lot the average pissed off Ottawa resident could do. Nothing says "Welcome to our nation's capital, now go the hell home" like a spray-painted truck windshield or door lock keyholes filled with epoxy. Did you know that with the help of a little gasoline truck tires are flammable? Apparently the police have been told to do nothing until further notice, so it isn't like they are going to arrest anyone slashing tires. And those tires are expensive, maybe Rebel News can do a fundraiser or something.