"Where else would you go when you have an ax to grind?"

Sunday, May 14, 2006


Orcinus, while a great site, is rarely a lot of laughs. Writing about hate groups doesn't exactly lend itself to comedy, but I wonder if Dave Neiwert has a hidden talent ....

Go smugly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in stonewalling.
As far as possible, leave no chance of surrender
and be on superior terms to all other persons.

Speak your truthiness loudly and garbled;and never listen to others,
especially not the wise and the well-informed;
they can all just go to hell.
Seek out loud and aggressive persons,
they are a vexation to your critics.

Constantly compare yourself with others,so that you remain vain and bitter;
for you always must be assured there are lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements, even if they only consist of catching large perch,
as well as your plans, even if they go to shit.

Keep covering the tracks of your own failed and calamitous career;
because if anyone ever clues in to your incompetence,
your fortunes will change in time.
Abandon caution in your business and political affairs;
for the world is full of trickery,
but no one is better than you.
But let this not blind you to what use in virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of suckers.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign intelligence.
Always be cynical about war;
for in the face of all effeminite sensitivity
it is as eternal as blood.

Take blindly the counsel of the years,
grasping desperately the things of youth.
Nurture the strength of your liquid spirits to cushion you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings;
they are for weaklings.
Many fears are born of care and thoughtfulness,
which is beyond your ken.
In your weekly discipline session,
tell her to be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the Bizarro Universe,
no more brains than God gave a rock;
you have no business being what you are.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is crumbling around you as it should.

Therefore be at war with the Enemy,
whatever you conceive him to be,
and use those labors and aspirations
to justify warrantless surveillance on your nation.

With all its Hannities, Drudges, and Fox Networks,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be oblivious.
Strive to be happy.
29 percent approval ratings notwitshtanding.

By David Neiwert
With apologies to Max Ehrman. Sorta.

1 comment:

David Neiwert said...

Ah yes, it's true: I've been writing lyrical parodies since I was a kid, just for the fun and exercise of it. Mad Magazine and all that. (I also used to draw dozens of fairly crude satirical comics.) As hidden talents go, it's not exactly ... special. But I indulge it now and then.

I've got a version of "Froggie Went a-Courtin'" waiting in the wings for this week. I might pull out someday, just for fun, my old versions of "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Scalia?" and "Bill Clinton Addict" (after the Buzzcocks' "Orgasm Addict").

I think I was originally inspired by an old Mad parody of "That Grand Old Flag," redone for American industry:

It's that grand old smog
It's that low-lying smog
You can tell by the smell and the pall
Though it clouds our skies
And it burns our eyes
Still it means a good job for us all!
For it comes you see
From some great factory
Where there's never an idle cog
So let's preserve our way of life
And give thanks to that grand old smog

Damn, I can still remember it all.